Today’s aesthetic: keeping the same tab open in your browser for three solid weeks because you’re definitely going to get around to reading and/or acting on whatever’s in it any minute now.
So while researching about the disorder, I started seeing quite a few correlations between A Certain Fave™ of mine and the symptoms that were shown on some of the websites I visited. For Example:
Coffee/ caffeine works to actually help calm down and regulate the mood, helping focus and productivity
Two settings- hyperfixation or complete lack of focus. A person with ADHD can completely lose themselves to a task they are engaged in/ worried about, forgetting to eat, sleep or generally perform basic human functions until it is completed. And then, on the other end of the spectrum- they will also find it difficult to focus AT ALL on things they are not interested in, choosing instead to zone out and lose concentration very easily.
Constant fidgeting, with anything and everything.
Conversations moving faster than anyone else can keep up with, hopping from point A to Z in the space of 0.3 seconds
Forgetfulness and general memory imbalances. Either perfect or not there at all.
Reckless behaviour and lack of sense of danger.
Can also manifest itself in forms of anxiety
Difficulty with socialising- often talking very loudly and jumping in or interrupting because they lack impulse control
And listen. Listen, okay- we know canononically that these are all Very Much Tony Stark Things; hyperfocusing on some tasks and then completely losing interest in others, reckless and impulsive behaviours and using coffee as a tool to focus or help productivity are just some of the FEW common examples. So, y’know, I’m headcanoning this.
Me when I’m focused: I find something cool to read. There is the vague awareness of sunlight no longer shining through the window behind me, followed by the return of said light. Wait, shit, that means I’ve been reading all night. If I didn’t keep snacks nearby, it’s possible that I wouldn’t have eaten.
Me when I’m unable to focus: I find something cool to read. I cannot make it past the first two paragraphs. Wow, there sure is a lot of text of the page. My brain refuses to properly process it. There are the sounds of a conversation in another room, the ever-present hum of electronics, cats walking on the roof. My foot itches, and I have a song stuck in my head. …Why am I poking myself in the face with a drinking straw? Where did I even get the straw?? Where did it come from???? I walk away, confused and realizing I’m hungry. I go to grab a can of beans, and come back with two coloring books, a pair of headphones and the overwhelming feeling that I forgot something. I put the items down on the couch and pace back and forth for no reason.
If you’re one of those people who thinks executive dysfunction only happens for things we don’t like (school, cleaning,) then please consider the fact that I’ve been meaning to plug my phone in for 20 minutes and I’m now at 2% and still putting it off to write this post ¯_(ツ)_/¯
My anime/video game list consists of over 100 titles, easily, and yet I almost never get around to watching/playing any of them.
Executive dysfunction is not just for boring or unenjoyable things. It’s for everything. Even eating.
What is executive dysfunction? O.o
Put simply, it’s difficulty/inability with initiating tasks. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for executive functions, like decision-making and impulse control. People with ADHD and other neurological disorders that affect the prefrontal cortex often experience difficulty making decisions and performing tasks, as well as exercising self restraint. Part of why people with ADHD tend to procrastinate so badly is out of genuine inability to begin tasks, even if they’re very important.
It feels, for me at least, like I’m constantly waiting for something and I can’t start X task because I’m waiting. I never know what exactly I’m waiting for, but that doesn’t stop me from wasting hours and days not doing the things I need to do, even if I have a desire to do them.
It feels, for me at least, like I’m constantly waiting for something and I can’t start X task because I’m waiting. I never know what exactly I’m waiting for, but that doesn’t stop me from wasting hours and days not doing the things I need to do, even if I have a desire to do them.
Oh thank god, someoneput it into words.
For me it’s also waiting for the “right” time to come to complete the task because for some reason my brain thinks doing the task at any other time is horribly, horribly wrong, weird, and out of order. The “right” time might come eventually, might not. It’s a lottery.
This is literally the reason why I am in academic and administrative limbo with my school right now. I cannot complete my work because… cannot. And I cannot go into the admin office and withdraw from university because… cannot. Some indefinable circumstance just isn’t right yet, and therefore I just cannot.
alright don’t be mad but. i never read the great gatsby. i know i was supposed to. yes, it was assigned to us. i even know, more or less, what happens in the book. technically, i wrote an essay about it, i think, once or twice.
at the time, i hadn’t read any book assigned to me. ever. it wasn’t that i didn’t like to read. i loved reading. but homework took place in a function of my brain that i couldn’t access. i would sit in libraries or at my desk and just. not do my homework. i spent hours like this, days like this, years like this. just not doing what was assigned to me, no matter the consequences, no matter how badly i wanted to be doing it. i just wouldn’t. and i wouldn’t go to class because i didn’t want to deal with the fact i didn’t do the homework. and then i wouldn’t get the homework. so i didn’t do it.
i remember realizing while i was doing college applications that i had actually, real-life fucked up. that it was permanent, what i had done. that i had a C- of an average and no future to look rosy at. and i still couldn’t make myself do things. i tried to submit applications only to realize i’d shoved off the date to the very last moment. and i was fucked.
it takes me three years and two transfers and three new starts before i am actually real-life trained how to study, how to read, how to enjoy being assigned things.
and i watch parents of my students yell at students for being the same person i was six years ago: screaming at an A-, confused at skipped classes, punishing missed homework. and these students don’t have an answer. they just don’t do things. even if they want to. and they look at me, confused and defeated and without an answer for their parents. “i just can’t,” i hear a lot, and i understand.
parents don’t like “executive dysfunction” as a reason. “anxiety” and “depression” are often misdiagnosed as “procrastinating” and “lazy”. kids just learn they’re like this. that they’re always going to be. that it’s their fault, permanently. they are surrounded by books they didn’t read. and it doesn’t feel good. it feels like suffocating.
today i started “the great gatsby.” i promise. one day, it’ll feel easy.
me. this is me. this is my struggles with school ever since school stopped being easy. (so when i was 14 or something)
i still don’t know how to deal with it. i was supposed to start writing my dissertation a year and a half ago, and i haven’t written a single page yet. i’m supposed to present my first draft in two weeks. and i can’t force myself. just can’t.
if anyone has any tips, please please PLEASE help. i am literally drowning in unfinished projects and neglected obligations
starry-eyed 